I'm A Much Better Bottom Than You. Here's Why.
First things first: The Top Shortage isn’t real, it’s just a myth perpetuated by a cabal of incredibly lazy bottoms. You’re probably one of them. Now that we have that out of the way, I can help you be a better bottom! Will you be as good as me? No, absolutely not. But you will be better than you were. You may be wondering what qualifies me to give such admonishment, to which I say…
When I talk about topping and bottoming, I don’t just mean in the context of penetration typically associated with gay males. I mean it in the context of queer sex, broader BDSM, and power play. While they are technically different, but connected subjects, the terms “top,” “bottom,” and “switch” apply to all three worlds and the advice I’m giving you applies to all three. (To be clear, I’m a better bottom than you in each of those categories.) Anyway, moving on.
Now what makes me such an awe-inspiring bottom? Well, the keys to my success can be grouped into three guiding principles -- let’s call them “commandments”: Self-Awareness, Communication, and Respect. There is a secret fourth trait that fully elevates me to my rightful throne, but let’s get to the first principle:
Bottom, Know Thyself (Awareness)
I know what I want and need - The first step to getting what you want is knowing what the hell that is. I’m knowledgeable about my desires and feel unconflicted about them because I’ve been having weird gay sex and doing kinky shit my entire adult life (and a little before). I’m often asked what resources I used to learn about my sexuality as a queer woman, and the truth is I didn’t have many. My teen years were spent trapped in a very toxic, religious environment, so most of the wisdom I have on these subjects comes from years of seeking out experiences. And a whole lot of neurotic, honest, and frequently painful introspection. Basically, I’m good at this because I’ve been through some shit.
Most good tops, especially the kinky ones, will see a bottom not knowing what they want as a huge red flag, and they’re not wrong. Even if you want them to run the show, you have to give them some sense of direction. How do you expect them to take you on a ride to Funky Town if you have no clue which route you want to take? You have to be real with yourself about your desires and think about what you’re actually looking for.
I know what kind of bottom I am and I know what kind of top I want - Stuff like this can change moment to moment, but there are so many sexual personalities outside of heteronormativity that means it isn’t always as simple as top + bottom = good time. One size top does not fit all.
For instance, I enjoy sexually dominant women who can make me feel (consensually) used and degraded, so I wouldn’t necessarily vibe with a gentle service top (a top who foremost gets off on pleasuring their partner). A vanilla top is definitely not going to do it for me either. Some tops love bratty bottoms, while others want anything but. Navigating queer sexual compatibility can be very complicated, and kind of irritating, but such is gay life! Hurrah!
I’m discerning - On the subject of kink, I’m what would be described as a heavy BDSM bottom, or simply a heavy bottom. For me, this means one of the ways I derive pleasure is from intense power exchange and large amounts of sadomasochism with my sexual partners. Because this form of intimacy can often be dangerous, I’m incredibly selective about who I engage in those activities with. Someone has to earn my trust before I give them that vulnerability and power over me because she’s easy, but she’s also very difficult.
When I was 18, I engaged in a intensely unpleasant threesome with two of my classmates and learned two things about myself because of how it went wrong. I’m not okay being ignored for extended time during play and I will not play with someone who’s not willing to give me aftercare. Now, anytime I get with someone new, I ask myself “is this someone I trust with my body, feelings, vulnerability, life? Can they give me what I want?”
I know my body - Now, as discussed, I am undebatably your Bottom Supreme. And while I’ve ascended to unparalleled heights of bottom glory, your Supreme is a greedy hole with a lot of Capricorn in her chart, so she’s always striving to try something new and surpass her limits. And that means knowing what those limits are!
Rushing into the fun stuff unprepared isn’t good for anybody. You need to be in touch with your body and mind enough to know what you can and can’t take in any given moment. For instance, I’m a consummate fan of tit torture, but I know that when I’m PMSing, my breasts are way too sensitive for the wallops I would usually take. Or you could just be too bummed out to bottom out. I know that when I’m feeling insecure, verbal degradation isn’t always my favorite. If I want a femme to get her fist inside me, I have to keep in mind that it will take some time, patience, and a whole lot of lube before she can make me the Kermit to her Jim Henson.
So you know a lot about yourself, but you have to put that knowledge to use, which brings me to the 2nd commandment...
Bottom, Speak Thy Truth (Communication)
I ask for what I want - All that stuff I mentioned before is useless if I don’t speak up. You cannot expect someone to know what you want from them unless you tell them. A quiet bottom is an empty bottom. Closed mouths don’t get filled. I polled my insta followers for what they like from bottoms, and out of 100 replies, one ideal trait came up again and again.
I mean, do I wish all tops were telepathic? Yeah, that sounds cute. What I wouldn’t give for a gay Jean Grey (Jean Gay?) or Emma Frost who could just know my innermost wants without me having to say a word. But that’s not the rub. If I want something, I know I have to communicate it, which more often than not means using my big girl words.
Don’t get me wrong, I get why we’re scared of this. In past writing, I’ve touch a bit on how acting on lust, especially for women and queer folks, can often be entangled with the weight of trauma or internalized societal stigma. In the past, I’ve feared acting on desire for a plethora of reasons, be it out of fear of replicating predatory behavior, shame over the content of my cravings, or simply not feeling worthy of who I want. Don’t be ashamed of what you want from another consenting adult. Just be prepared and open to them possibly not being able to give it to you.
If I want someone, I express interest. If I want them to touch me a certain way, I say so. And If I don’t…
I vocalize my limits and assert my needs - Okay here is that word again: COMMUNICATE. Even if you are the pillowiest of princesses (which is by no means a bad thing) you should never be just a passive party. You have a job to do and you better do it well. You need to be in touch with your boundaries, which means YOU NEED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES. (See the 1st commandment.) Be direct, be trustworthy.
This is not your responsibility alone. Your top should check in on you. Any good top worth their weight in squirt will be HAPPY to have you set limits and boundaries because that means they can trust you. And if they aren’t, you shouldn’t play with that person. I always appreciate a top who’ll pull back on the throttle the first time we play, even if we are both heavy players (another sign of a good top). It shows good judgment and respect.
I give feedback and I take it. I always want to foster a situation where we can discuss what we’d like or need before, during, or after. If you don’t give helpful and honest customer reviews, how can you expect service to improve? Like I said, I don’t like to be a bossy bottom, but I will be if you are fucking up. I’m only demanding if you are doing something wrong. So tops, be competent.
I recognize my strengths - A common misconception I’ve dealt with is people conflating my loud, confident nature as an indication that I’m a top or a power bottom. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, my sexual bravado comes not from wanting to run my erotic scenarios, but from knowing my own sexual worth.
I’m good at what I do. I’m genuinely a reactive little bitch who can moan, writhe, and scream in a way that lets tops know how good they’re doing. I can take a beating or a finger-blasting pretty damn well for pretty damn long and look pretty damn cute while doing it. And the tops keeping coming back for more (when I let them), so why wouldn’t I be confident and vocal about it? I make tops I play with earn my respect and respect me back before I let them wreck me.
Bottom, Cherish Thy Top (Respect)
I don’t objectify tops - I get it. You think tops are rare. And because you think they are rare (they aren’t though), you get so giddy you forget about their needs. It’s this scarcity mindset that leads y’all to treating tops as a means to an end, like vending machines of sexual experiences.
If someone wants to hook up with you, wouldn’t you rather it be for who you are rather than what you can do?
Look, I understand that you want them to wreck that cooch worse than an ultimatum wrecks a relationship, but do you really expect them to do all the work? Be willing to initiate. Treat them like more than just a sexual fantasy. #TopsArePeopleToo
I bottom with intent - Bitch, why are you bottoming? Is it because you think it’s really hot or is it because you don’t know what you want and you’re lazy? I’m sick of the perception that all bottoms are inert. I do it out of sheer love of the sport! Stop dragging our good names and good holes through the mud!
I practice reciprocity - Show that top you care! Unless y’all have established a stone dynamic where only one person gets pleasured, it’s always nice to offer to get them off too! Let them use that finger/mouth/fist as a fuck toy! For the kinky tops, remember that BDSM play can often bring about intense feelings of vulnerability, so checking in about aftercare is always important, for tops as much as bottoms (Davey Davis addressed this subject in great detail in their essay on top drop).
So that’s the basics of why I’m better at bottoming than you. But as I mentioned, there is a fourth trait that is the secret to my unrivaled bottom success which is…
I’M ALL BOTTOM BABY
That’s right you lowdown switches, I’m calling you out! I have commitment! Sure you have more sexual opportunities, but have you truly developed mastery of a skill? No! I lied earlier when I said it’s about having fun. IT’S ABOUT BEING THE BEST AND I’VE DONE IT. I’M NOT ONLY BETTER AT BOTTOMING THAN YOU ARE. I’M BETTER AT BOTTOMING THAN I AM AT DOING ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.
No seriously though, I really am better at bottoming than anything else in my life. I’m not really skilled at anything else. I can’t even boil pasta. I’m an overachiever in this field and I’ve overachieved. That’s kind of sad when you think about it.
On second thought, don’t follow my example. Be happy. Be a switch. To paraphrase Percy Shelley,
“On the headboard of my bed, these words appear: My name is Chingy, Bottom of Bottoms; Look upon my Holes, ye Toppy; and despair! Nothing beside remains.”
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